A diary entry from the god of love on Valentine’s Day. How does cupid handle situationships, dating apps or ghosting?
Dear diary It’s me, Cupid.
You would not believe the day I had; it started like any other, I rolled out of my cloud and opened my matchmaking app, Wingman. It’s supposed to make my life easier, but it’s just a glorified Tinder for deities. The first case of the day is Taylor and Mark. He’s looking for “a funny and serious partner,” and Mark is…well. Mark’s profile says, “Not looking for anything serious, but open to vibes.” Vibes? What am I supposed to do with that? So, I pick up my arrow, kiss itand take aim. Except, oops, my shot bounces off the mirror and right onto Mark. Now Mark’s too busy checking out his reflection to even notice Taylor.
By lunch, I’m knee-deep in “situationships.” Fixing those is harder than getting Zeus to settle down. Alex and Jamie have been talking for six months but have no clue what they are. And they keep saying it’s ‘too complicated.’ Did mortals become dumber? Honestly, I’d shoot them both and call it a day, but the last time I did that, HR almost sent me to sensitivity training.
Don’t get me started on some of these men. Like. Excuse me, is it too much to ask for some effort? Back in the day, I’d pair women up with men who could at least pretend they have their life together. Now? These dudes expect everything handed to them, planning dates, carrying the conversationand even paying the bill. Call me old fashioned but Romeo never asked Juliet to pay a bill. I had a client, Dylan, and I matched him up with this sweet girl who genuinely likes him. What does she get? He sends her one text and then ghosts her for days. So, she moves on and guess who is waking me up yelling about how “women don’t go for good guys anymore?” Like, bless your heart for thinking that.
If only my day couldn’t get worse I have Venus, my boss, calling me. I pick up, and before I can say anything she’s yelling, “Cupid, what in Olympus is going on down there!? People are complaining about being friend-zoned and ghosted, And I have a group called the ‘Book Tok’ girls that want to know why they aren’t finding their ‘fictional soulmates’.” I try to interrupt, but she’s on a roll. “Do you realize how hard it is to keep the mortals believing in love these days? We’re getting outperformed by the algorithms! They’re already calling us ‘outdated.’”
“Venus it’s not my fault Mark couldn’t commit to a houseplant, let alone a relationship. And the algorithms? They’re cheating! They’ve got data on everyone!”
“Cupid. If this quarter doesn’t improve, we’re outsourcing to AI. Imagine your replacement, some soulless bot firing off compatibility percentages. Is that what you want?”
“No, ma’am,” I mumble. “Good. Now clean up this mess.”
Venus wants me to clean up this mess. Sure thing, coming from someone who’s married but keeps the other Gods on speed dial. Maybe focus on your own love life.
This story was originally published in Volume 24, Issue 6 on February 6, 2025
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