Order in The Oddity
Theo – Layouts
Julia sat across from Theo with a clipboard. It was time for performance reviews. “So, Theo, let’s talk about the March issue layout.”
“Ah, yes, the issue where I basically saved us, no need to thank me,” he said, leaning back like a smug Bond villain.
“You missed the deadline by a week.”
“I was creating an experience, Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither was that article on the renovation spending budget.”
“It was a 500-word article.”
“And I gave it the layout it deserves,” he pulled out his phone, revealing a 50-slide presentation titled Why I’m Actually Great.
“Put that away.”
“With charts —”
“Theo.”
Lena – Marketing
“Lena, our engagement is down five percent.”
Immediately panic spread on Lena’s face. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry. Fire me. Actually, don’t, I need this job. Please don’t fire me. I’m sorry —”
“Lena. Breathe. Five percent is nothing. How do you feel about working with the others?”
“Oh god,” Lena’s hand flew to her face. “Did someone complain about me? Was it something I said? I knew I shouldn’t have asked Daniel if he wanted to get coffee. That was too forward, tell him I’m sorry.”
Julia put her hand up, “Lena, you’re doing fine.”
Ollie – Intern
Ollie sat across from Julia with a Chipotle bowl the size of his head. “Ollie, please put that down.”
“Yeah, totally!” Ollie set down the bowl, then immediately picked it up. “Sorry, I’m a stress eater.”
“Let’s talk about your feature last month.” Ollie brightened, “Oh, the big interview with the psychology professor.”
“Yes,” Julia said, “the one where you … lost your notes.”
“I didn’t lose them,” Ollie corrected, “I accidentally threw them out.”
“Because you wrote them on napkins.”
“It was all I had, and they were really good napkins. We should get some.”
Julia inhaled slowly, “Then you rewrote the entire article from memory.”
“Yup, and I’m like 90% sure I quoted the right person.”
“You attributed a paragraph about cryptocurrency to the psychology professor.”
Ollie blanked, “Oh, then maybe I’m 40% sure.” Julia closed her laptop like she was preserving her sanity by force.
“Ollie, just please … stop writing on the napkins.”
Jamie – Photographer
Jamie slouched looking nervous, “Okay, let’s get this over with.”
“Your photos are fantastic,” Julia said.
“Well, thank you!”
“But I heard you told the president of the debate club to ‘Fuck off’ when he asked for a portrait.”
“He wanted me to Photoshop his bald spot, Julia. I’m a photographer, not a magician.”
Julia sighed, “You can’t just tell the other clubs to fuck off.”
“Watch me.”
“I’m serious, I need some Tums.”
Daniel – Senior Editor
This was the last performance review of the day. Daniel sat with perfect posture, “I assume this review is a formality as my work speaks for itself.”
Julia glanced at her notes, “The articles are well researched, and you get a lot of engagement.”
“Obviously.”
“But you’ve been … difficult to work with. You corrected the Dean’s grammar in a public e-mail.”
“He used ‘your’ instead of ‘you’re.’ What was I supposed to do, let him embarrass himself?” Daniel protested.
Julia rubbed her temples. “You sent him a link to a third-grade grammar website.”
“Education is important, Julia.”
“He’s the Dean of the entire fucking university.” He continued under his breath, “And yet he doesn’t know the difference between there, their, and they’re.”
Julie took a deep breath. “Your self-evaluation says you’re the ‘intellectual backbone of this publication.’”
“Correct.”
Julia just sighed in defeat. “Ok then. Daniel, you need to work on your people skills.”
“I have excellent people skills, but I simply choose not to waste them on people who create syntactic ambiguity. If your sentences can’t decide what they mean, neither can I.”
“What does that even mean?”
“I rest my case, dismissed.”
“I’m the one giving the performance review, Daniel.”
Julia – Editor
Julia sat alone in the office at 11PM, her laptop glowing as she began to write her own review.
“Okay, Julia,” she muttered to herself. “Let’s be honest.” She types: Strengths: Kept this place together running having the organizational skills and the patience of a-
The printer jammed.
“ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!” Julia screamed at the printer banging it. “YOU PIECE OF SHIT! WE JUST HAD YOU SERVICED!”
She kicked it and the printer started beeping.
“Oh, NOW you want to beep? NOW? Where was this energy when I needed 50 copies of the budget report?”
Julia turned back to her laptop and types: Weakness: Everything. Burn it down.
She hit save, closed her laptop, and stared at the printer.
“Next year,” she whispered, “I’m using my vacation days.”
The printer jammed again.
Leave a Reply