A degree, some lessons, and a lot of unanswered questions
Niya Pacholi – For the last three years, I looked forward to this moment — graduating and earning a degree. I dreamed of crossing the finish line, making my parents proud, dolling myself up with a cute dress and telling myself that everything will fall into place once I graduate. That I would be free from assignments, stress, deadlines and, most importantly, Brantford.
Now that it’s almost here, it feels different. Not bad, just strange. Maybe even empty.
When I first started university, I had no idea how I was going to do it all — especially while managing my mental health. I had anxiety-filled semesters, days I wanted to drop out, nights spent crying or overthinking about stupid assignments and how they relate to my career and whether journalism is for me. I had “friendships” that taught me what to avoid: jealousy, opportunistic and passive-aggressive remarks, two-faced behaviours and silence that made me question my worth. I would question whether I would ever make real friends who want the best for me and support me even when I’m not around. Friends who could keep things real and would not sugarcoat anything. That kind of loneliness hit me harder than any academic pressure or deadline ever could. Letting go was painful; memories kept me back, but it was necessary. Those lessons mattered as much as anything I learned in class.
Then, there were the other friendships. I found people who reminded me what friendship really meant. People who showed up, even when I pushed them away. Those who sent check-in messages, sat with me in silence and reminded me to keep going –– and for that, I am extremely grateful. Now I am in my final year, and even though graduation is something I have wanted for so long, I do not know how to feel. Should I be proud of how far I have come? Or should I be hard on myself because I still have no idea what comes next? I am scared of the unknown. Scared I will not be successful. That I will fall behind while everyone else seems to be figuring things out. I know I should not compare my life to others — everyone’s journey is different — but it’s hard not to when people around me are getting offers or planning their next move. It feels like my life has slowed down while theirs keeps going. I fear that I’m stuck in an endless loop of “figuring it out.”
Maybe that’s what growing up feels like. Maybe this fear is part of becoming an adult. But the question lingers: I am graduating, now what?
Over the past three years, my goals have changed more times than I could count. I wanted to be a journalist, a news anchor, a lawyer, a dental assistant, and even a flight attendant. I chased different versions of myself, trying to see what fit. Now, I am not sure where I stand.
In six months, I will no longer be a student. If anything, I’m more sad about no longer receiving student Spotify discounts, and as small as that sounds, it reminds me that a big part of my identity is changing.
Still, I know I will miss it all: first-year memories, the trauma of Pink Whitney, late-night runs to McDonald’s, crashing out over minor inconveniences, etc.
So right now, I am trying to breath. To accept that I am more than grades, assignments, and student titles. For those also struggling, trust in god. Everything works out.
Photo contributor: Sienna Bilancia
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