I think I’m getting tired, not the kind of tired after eating a big meal, but the kind that makes my legs ache for days and my breath take longer. I used to run across the yard with my tail wagging, racing after every stick you threw. I stumble sometimes, but you still wait for me, cheering me on. My toys are still in the basket, the red one squeaks when you step on it by accident, and you always laugh and tell me it’s my fault for leaving it there.
My bowl sits by the kitchen door, my food full, but I’m not that hungry today. I push it with my nose, just enough to make it move, just because it’s always been part of my routine. I used to be able to lick the whole bowl clean, every crumb, and then I would give you eyes so you would give me your breakfast. I remember the mornings when you drank your coffee, and I would sit by the door, my tail wagging, waiting for you to grab my leash. Those walks were my favourite part of the day, and I hope you will still go on our walks.
Tomorrow, they’ll still be there, my bowl and my toys waiting … but I won’t.
I remember the first day you brought me home; I was so small and scared. You wrapped me in a blanket, and I heard my name for the first time — it was magic. That was the first time I knew what love could feel like. You’ve made every day feel like that:magic.
You lit the fireplace tonight; the whole room glows just like the night you brought me home. It feels warm. I rest my head on your chest. It’s quiet, but I can feel your heart beating through your chest. Your tears fall onto my fur as you stroke my head and whisper, “I love you.” I lick your hand once, trying to tell you I love you too.
And I realize something.
I don’t want to leave.
I don’t want to stop hearing your voice. I don’t want my bowl to sit empty or my toys to be left unplayed, I don’t want you to wake up and not see me waiting by your bed. I don’t want you to go to sleep alone and have a nightmare without me there, curling up in your bed. I don’t want to leave you all alone, you’re my family. If I could, I would stay, but I’m just so tired.
So instead, I’ll do the only thing I can. I’ll keep you in my heart wherever I go. Please don’t think you’ve failed me, please don’tcry too long. I was so happy. When you sit by the fire and feel the warmth on your cheek, and if you ever feel the wind brush against your hand or dream of me. I’ll still be here, waiting for you. And when it’s time, I’ll see you again.
Because I love you and I always will.
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