I had come home for Thanksgiving, and my mom told me to finally had to clean out my old junk from high school. While digging through an old drawer I found a binder from my senior year, and something slipped out. An envelope with her handwriting. I stared at the envelope, my hands frozen. It’s her, we weren’t super close, but we were friends. The memory came back sharp; it was April in my senior year, and she had the same class last period. She came up to my locker after the bell rang, her eyes on me with such intensity it made me nervous.
“I like you; I’ve liked you for a couple of months now.” It took me by surprise, and I panicked, what was a 19-year-old supposed to say? “Thanks, but I’m not interested, I think of you as a friend.” Her face immediately flashed with hurt, but she covered it with a smile. Was I too cold? “Right, of course. I should go, um … thanks I guess.” After that she never spoke to me, she would avoid me if we ever saw each other in the halls. I’ve always regretted how I handled it.
I opened the letter, which was dated two weeks before graduation.
Dear Grayson,
I’ve started this letter I don’t want to know how many times in my head. But I guess I’ll start with saying sorry. I’m sorry for making things weird, for confessing the way I did with no warning. But I’m not sorry for how I felt and I want to be honest with you, I didn’t like you for a few months, but I liked you for the last three years, it didn’t just start. It was every time you smiled at me in the hallway, every time you remembered something small about me and all the dumb jokes we had in class.
I didn’t expect anything from you, I knew that you didn’t feel the same way, but I still wanted to be your friend, even if that was the only version of you, I was allowed to keep. I think some part of my heart will always belong to you, even if yours was never mine to begin with.
Take care of yourself.
Goodbye.
I read it three times, tears falling onto the paper and smudging the ink. I didn’t even know why I was crying, maybe because no one has ever loved me that way, and for three years I let her walk around carrying that while I… pretended, I didn’t notice the way her brown eyes gleamed when she spoke to me. I pretended her laugh didn’t get stuck in my head and pretended not to get excited when she would text me even if it was for calculus homework.
God. How stupid was I? I didn’t even know how much I missed her until now; until this letter, I didn’t realize that I thought of her constantly. And suddenly I wanted everything back.
I want her.
I want to run to her.
I want to tell her, I’m sorry.
I grabbed the letter and ran. I stepped outside, rain was coming down fast and cold, but I didn’t care. My feet slammed against the wet pavement. As I ran past our high school, all the memories of her came rushing in. My lungs screamed. My chest burned, I wanted enough time, I refused to waste another second. I made it to her street across town and stopped for a moment gasping for air, my legs shaking as I walked up to her porch drenched and shivering from the cold. Maybe I should’ve grabbed a jacket. The running was easy. This standing here was terrifying. What if she’d moved on? What if someone else answered the door? My hand trembled as I reached for the doorbell.
The door opened, and it was her. It’s really her. She stood there, she had gotten taller and her hair was longer now, falling past her shoulders. But her eyes, they stayed the same, looking at me with those same eyes once filled with love. “Grayson?” Her voice. I’d forgotten how it sounded saying my name.
I couldn’t breathe, my chest ached like someone was cracking it open, “I-I….” The words stuck in my throat. “I f-found it, your letter, I never saw it. I didn’t know. God, I didn’t know.” She started to step back, her hand moving to the door, and something inside me shattered.
“No, please.” I moved closer, my foot on the threshold, my whole body shaking, “I know I don’t deserve to show up at your door but —” My voice cracked. “But I have to tell you, I’m in love with you, I think I always have been but didn’t realize it at the time.” The words were pouring out now, not sure when I was going to stop. “Every single day for the past two years I’ve regretted what I said to you, every date I’ve been on I’ve always thought what it would’ve been like if I was with you. Most nights I can’t even sleep because I know the minute I close my eyes I’ll dream of what could’ve been.” I was crying now, my tears mixing with the rain, I was ready to go on my knees and beg if it came to it. “I don’t deserve another chance. I know that. But I’m begging you anyway.”
She moved closer to me and the world stopped. We stood there, inches apart, and I could feel the heat of her even in the cold rain. Then, her hand came up to my face, and before I could say anything …. she kissed me.
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