One of the biggest hurdles when meeting a new mate is the first sexual encounter. When feelings are involved, this can be one of the most memorable nights of the relationship—or the most forgettable.

Throughout my travels down the highway of love, I’ve discovered some points of wisdom that I thought I’d pass on to my faithful Sex 101 friends.

To The Guys…

1) Don’t freak her out by acting like a kama sutra king. Ease into each other with more generic moves like missionary or girl on top. You’re both naked—enjoy it!

2) When ejaculating, avoid the face and hair (unless otherwise requested by your lady friend).

3) Those that give must receive. If she makes a trip down south, it is your duty as a partner to offer the same. Don’t be a bitch.

4) Take your time. In the words of mothers around the world, “slow down, it’s not a race.” Yes, I just made you think of your mother and sex at the same time.

5) Excessive pumping will not impress. Studies say the optimal amount of time for sex is three to fifteen minutes so please don’t show her how awesome you are by thrusting until her labia are chafed.

To The Girls…

1) Please refrain from ever uttering the phrase “is it in yet?”

2) I will slap you if you even consider worrying about how your butt looks or what he thinks of your tits. He likes you, so stop stressing the small things.

3) You liked each other enough to have sex so try not to make him feel like a necrophiliac. Don’t freeze like a deer in headlights: move around, tell him what you like or at the very least, moan.

4) Do not sneak attack your partner with a sex toy. Enough said.

5) If it was good sex, tell him! High fives are a totally acceptable way to congratulate one another on an awesome time.