Hi Jahnavi,
I really love this section and everything you write is always so funny and unhinged in the best way, but this time I actually need advice because I’m still trying to understand what happened.
So I went on a New Year’s date a couple years ago with this guy who said he was “really into manifestation and energy work.” I thought he meant journaling or crystals or something normal. No. He meant performance art.
We meet at this restaurant in [Vaughan] and before we even order he tells me that for the new year he likes to “send his intentions into the universe.” I’m like okay, whatever, do your thing. Then he pulls out a folded piece of paper and asks if I want to participate in his “intention ritual.” I already knew I should have said no.
He makes me write down one thing I want for the new year. I wrote “balance” because I panicked. He nods dramatically like he’s a monk. Then he says we have to “release” the intentions. I thought he meant metaphorically. But this man strikes a match at the table and tries to light BOTH our papers on fire in the middle of the restaurant.
The server literally sprinted over and told him to stop because it smelled like burnt ink and fear. He apologized but then whispered to me that “the universe probably got the message anyway.”
Right before the countdown, he tells me to close my eyes so he can “align our frequencies.” I refused because last time I closed my eyes around him he tried to start a fire. Midnight hits and he loudly hums some kind of meditation chant while everyone else is cheering and kissing and living normally.
When the lights came on he asked if I felt “energetically bonded” now. I said I felt hungry and tired. He told me that meant our souls weren’t compatible.
Now he keeps messaging me saying the ritual might have “linked our paths” and he wants to do a follow-up ceremony to “cut the spiritual cord.” I don’t even know what that means.
So my question is … how do I politely tell someone that I don’t want to be set on fire emotionally or literally ever again?
Jahnavi’s Response:
Girl.
GIRL.
You did not go on a date. You went to a séance hosted by a man who definitely charges his roommates extra rent because he “blesses the space.”
First of all, any man who says he’s into “energy work” and then pulls out props at a restaurant is not doing spirituality. He’s doing community theatre. And badly.
You thought he meant crystals and journaling. He meant arson.
Lighting intentions on fire AT THE TABLE? In VAUGHAN? No, because I know the server went home that night and told their entire family that two customers tried to open a portal beside the calamari.
And then the “align our frequencies” part? Absolutely not. Any man who wants you to close your eyes around him twice is planning one of two things:
- A jump scare
- A felony
In this case, both.
The midnight hum? The meditation chant? I would have walked straight out into the parking lot and asked the nearest Hyundai to hit me.
And now he wants to do a FOLLOW-UP CEREMONY? TO CUT THE SPIRITUAL CORD? Sir, the only cord he needs to cut is his wireless internet connection because he has clearly spent too much time on TikTok.
Okay. Now to your actual question:
How do you politely tell someone you don’t want to be set on fire emotionally or literally ever again?
Here’s the script, use it word for word:
“Hi! Thank you for reaching out. I don’t feel the need for any rituals or follow-ups. I’m choosing to move forward separately, and I’m not interested in further contact. I wish you well on your spiritual path. Please do not message me again.”
Beautiful. Mature. Polite. Legally binding. Spiritually flame-retardant.
If he responds with anything, block him so fast his frequencies snap like the cheap Dollarama incense he probably uses.
And if he ever tries to contact you in person, just hold up a fire extinguisher. Consider it your new manifestation tool.
You’re welcome.
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