I’ve been in human resources for almost eight years at the company, and I’ve handled everything from embezzlement, workplace affairs and wrongful terminations. But nothing, and I mean nothing, could have prepared me for this Y/N person.
I walked into my office and checked my email, which was flooded with reports. The first report was from Gerald in printing services:
“I’ve been fired. The CEO called me into the office and terminated my employment immediately, saying that someone named Y/N got a paper cut and I harmed someone precious to him. He banned all paper from the office.”
I closed my email: this was fine, probably a misunderstanding. I thought I’d just talk to the CEO and clear this up. Except when I went to the executive floor, the paper was gone, all the printers were off and shredding the paper files. And there in the centre, the CEO was applying a Hello Kitty Band-Aid to the finger of a person I’d never seen before.
“Does it hurt? You’re bleeding because of my negligence in allowing such a hazardous item in the workplace,” he said with puppy dog eyes. I just stood there questioning my career choices because I had absolutely walked into a live-action Discord roleplay.
I went back to my office, ready to pretend I hadn’t seen what I just saw, but my inbox was already flooded with nine more complaints.
The next complaint was from marketing:
“I asked Y/N to send the weekly report they were assigned, and they looked at me and started crying, saying, ‘Why are you attacking me?’ Out of nowhere, the CEO came yelling at me, ‘You … DARED … to tell my PRECIOUS cupcake to work?’
Before finishing that story, I got another complaint from accounting:
“I have a question: how do I account for the $10 million spent by the CEO for an apartment for his ‘kitten.’”
I was about to call the CEO, but there was a knock on my door. It was them. Y/N clung onto his arm with both hands while the CEO stared at me like a wannabe alpha male.
“We heard there were discussions around the office,” the CEO said to me.
“Complaints, actually, please sit down.” He sat, and they sat in his lap.
“They are an employee and is not acting out their duties, not to mention the many violations you have committed,” I said, sternly, trying to hide my disgust.
Y/N sniffled dramatically, “She wants me to work, daddy….” I almost threw up in my mouth hearing that come out of their mouth in a full-on baby voice. This was the last straw. I stood up. “Why the hell are you talking in a baby voice and pretending you’re too delicate to work?”
The CEO sputtered. “How DARE you —”
“No, you stop,” I cut him off. “You are the CEO of this company, why are you talking like a Wattpad alpha with parental issues? I didn’t sign up to babysit a grown adult who calls themself a kitten, with a CEO who carries their assistant around like a fainting bride in some bad fanfic!”
I sat down slowly. The CEO froze and Y/N whimpered again, hiding behind their hands. “Now, both of you go back and act like adults, do your work and hire back the people you fired today.”
Without a word, they both scurried out of my office.
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