So, I moved to Brantford recently for music school. There was this guy in my class — let’s call him Gaven. We became kind of friendly. One day he mentioned a sushi place downtown his friends were going to and asked if I wanted to come. I said sure.
The day before, he said his friends cancelled but asked if I still wanted to go. I didn’t really want to go just with him, but people-pleaser mode kicked in. I said okay. He offered to pick me up — I told him I’d rather drive. He said fine. We agreed on a time.
The next day he showed up to my apartment over an hour early. In a black satin bow tie. Yes, bow tie. Downtown is only 15 minutes away.
I didn’t have the energy to confront him, so I just went along with it. I wore leggings and a zip-up because I didn’t want to give off “date” energy. He opened my door like we were going to prom.
At the restaurant, I told him what roll I was thinking of trying. When the waiter came, he ordered for me. Something about that really irritated me. I gently said, “For future reference, I’ll order for myself.”
He goes, “Sorry, I’ve only been on two dates before.”
I said, “This isn’t a date.”
He looked like I’d kicked his dog.
I felt bad, but also kind of mad. He ignored my boundaries, came early, and picked me up anyway. Some people think there were never any “friends” in the first place, and they might be right.
When the bill came, I asked to split it. He offered to pay. I said no. He asked if I wanted to walk around a record store after. I said to just take me home.
Was I too harsh? AITA? Am I the asshole?
Hey, Jahnavi here.
Reading your bad date submission, and I have a verdict: You are kind of wrong.
Let’s run through it. He cancelled the group plans, showed up an hour early in a bow tie for a 15-minute walk downtown, opened your car door and ordered your food for you. Was that a bit much? Absolutely. But from his perspective, every sign pointed to it being a date. When the group plans fell through, you still agreed to go one-on-one. Even if you only said yes because your people-pleaser mode kicked in, he had no way of knowing that.
Where I think you went wrong was waiting until you were already sitting at dinner to tell him, “This isn’t a date.” That probably would have stung anyone, especially after he’d clearly put effort into the evening. A quick text beforehand saying you were only interested in hanging out as friends would have saved both of you a lot of awkwardness.
That said, he wasn’t perfect either. Ordering your food for you crossed a line, and showing up an hour early was definitely… a choice. But neither of those things changes the fact that you knew you didn’t want this to be a date and still went along with it without clearing things up.
So where do I think you stand? You’re pretty guilty. Not because you weren’t interested in him, but because you let him believe something that wasn’t true until you were already halfway through dinner. Next time, a simple “I’d love to hang out as friends, but I don’t want this to come across as a date” would save everyone the embarrassment.
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