Hey girl, this is going to sound really funny, but we actually went out because of you.
– Orbiting Love Submission
We were sitting in the student commons last year and I was reading your article, “Do You Really Love Them or Are You a Victim of Valentine’s Day Consumerism?” I picked it up because the title felt aggressive in a way I respect.
He leaned over my shoulder and said, “That headline is so real.” Next thing I know, we’re deep in a conversation about how Valentine’s Day is a scam, love shouldn’t be transactional and chocolate hearts are a social construct. It felt intellectual.
So obviously, we decided to go on a date.
The date was on Valentine’s Day. He said we should observe the holiday ironically. We got coffee. He spent most of it pointing out couples and whispering things like, “You can tell he is not that into her,” and, “You can tell he bought those flowers last minute.” At one point he asked if I’d ever questioned whether my past relationships were “ethically sourced.”
The barista handed us a free Valentine’s cookie. He refused it on principle. Then asked if I was going to eat mine or if I was still brainwashed?
When we left, he said the date confirmed his theory that romance is just “consumerism with eye contact.” He hugged me quickly, said “good data,” and walked away.
Now every time I see your article, I feel like I accidentally summoned him.
So I guess what I want to know, and have been trying to figure out, is how I will ever emotionally recover from this date?
First of all, I would like to formally apologize for my article causing this.
Secondly, I am so sorry to inform you that you did not go on a date, but instead participated in a peer-reviewed experiment conducted by a man who owns at least three tote bags and has opinions about oat milk.
The moment a man starts whispering live commentary about other couples, the date is already over. That is not an observation. Refusing anything that is free in this economy, let alone a cookie, is actually diabolical.
And the phrase “good data” after a hug that lasted exactly one second? That would have sent me into witness protection.
Here’s how you emotionally recover:
You remember that being critical of Valentine’s Day does not mean being allergic to joy. You are allowed to question capitalism and enjoy a cookie. You are allowed to be intellectual without dating someone who treats human connection like a sociology midterm.
Most importantly, you do not let a man who refers to romance as “consumerism with eye contact” convince you that something is wrong with you for wanting warmth, affection, or literally anything beyond coffee and judgment.
You didn’t fail the experiment. You escaped it. Plus, for the record, the article was never meant to summon him.
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