“We’re not together, we’re just hooking up. So why are you acting like this?”

Serena Anagbe/ Photo Editor
Scrolling through dating apps

Picture this: it’s late at night and you’re at your friend’s house, listening to her talk about her boyfriend and how much he loves her. As you hear her describe that connection, you feel a longing for something similar. So you download Hinge, Bumble and Tinder, hoping to find someone who relates with you — or as I like to say, “someone who matches my freak.” 

All these dating apps have one slogan in common: “An app designed to be deleted.” But is that really the case?  

How many times have you downloaded and redownloaded Hinge, Bumble or Tinder, thinking it would be different, only to be left disappointed? Dating apps have transformed into a game of swiping left or right, or as many profile biographies suggest, a game of “smash or pass,” where meaningful connections seem increasingly hard to find.  

It often feels like dating is meant to be short-term fun, going with the flow or casual flings.  

This hookup culture has become the norm, especially in this generation where it seems like everyone has been hurt or traumatized by their past dating experiences. It makes opening up to someone new feel like a huge emotional toll — which is understandable; no one wants to go through the pain of betrayal, breakup, the lack of emotional intelligence or other relationship issues.  

Many individuals may prefer hookups as a way to spark romance without the emotional baggage or complications of commitment. Yet, the reality of casual flings, one-night stands or hookups often falls short of expectations. To put it simply, no-strings-attached sex serves little purpose and creates significant social pressure.  

Sure, for some people, sex might feel good during the moment, but afterwards, many are left feeling used — especially women or people with attachment or abandonment issues.  

Without an emotional or soul-to-soul connection, these encounters feel transactional. It feels as if both parties are simply fulfilling a physical desire for each other, without any care for each other’s feelings. It comes off as discarding — or “ghosting” — someone after you are done with them. 

 Over time, this lack of emotional fulfillment can lead to frustration and loneliness and self-doubt comes into question.  

Am I only good for casuals? Why can’t someone see me for my personality and not for my physical appearance? Am I unlovable? Will I ever find anyone? 

We, as humans, are wired for a deeper connection and hookups just don’t deliver that. 

Then, there’s also the awkwardness that surrounds casual encounters. For example, the uncomfortable small talk afterwards, figuring out if you’re supposed to text them again or bumping into them later on.  

Movies might paint these situations as fun and romantic, but in reality it’s not like this. Are you supposed to act like nothing happened? Are there unspoken rules about how to behave after a night together?  

Recently, one of my matches told me, “You’re young; you should always experience new things and have fun.” In the context of a threesome. 

This sentence struck me — who are you to tell me what my definition of “fun” should be? What if I don’t want to participate in this culture? What if the idea of casual encounters feels more daunting than enjoying the moment? 

The pressure to conform to societal expectations around dating leaves people feeling isolated and lost. It can make individuals feel like they aren’t “living to the standard” just because they have different morals and values compared to the rest of the generation.  

This article was originally published in print Volume 24, Issue 3 on Thursday, November 7.